I don’t want to write the word—the one associated with my father’s downfall, my ninang and my tito vic. i’ll just say that i was lucky to have it surgically removed one year ago. and then two weeks later had my other lung collapse. at this time last year i was watching the seasons change from my window at the hospital. i missed being outside. even though i couldn’t feel the air, i could see the leaves were turning and the light changing. i could sense it was getting cooler. people coming to visit were starting to wear layers. but the sun still shone brightly and it seemed warm in the middle of the day.
i was missing walking by the bottlebrush shrub in front of my neighbor’s house. the visual memory of that shrub helped me through those days in the hospital.
one year ago was probably my hardest stay in the hospital. because i was physically weakest. i cried while taking walks around the floor. i could walk about 400 feet.
i was relieved when it was nighttime. i could rest, enjoy the anti-anxiety drugs that they were allowing me. i didn’t have to think about eating or what to fill my day with.
my recent 6 month check up was distressing as my pulmonologist, ganesh krishna, heard new wheezing. even though he didn’t seem to think it was a recurrence of that thing, i began to obsess about it. didn’t sleep that night. implemented a lot of meditation. and this time it worked! i say this time because last year meditation was not enough. i needed the anti-anxiety drugs. lorazepam. i was scared that the aches i feel in my chest were something i should have reported earlier. that maybe should have eaten cleaner. had to reckon with myself and landed on—i have done everything i can possibly expect myself into do. i’ve reduced my stress, i’ve completely turned around my eating, my activity is daily though i know now i can step it up more, i’ve looked at my relationships with my kids, i’m doing daily rituals, if things didn’t go the way i’d hoped it wouldn’t be because i hadn’t tried my hardest.
…
today, i ran to try and catch my caltrain to work for the first time. i missed my train. but i was pleased that running felt pretty normal today!
i’ve been scared to really work out. terrified to run. fearful to swim. i have this almost paralyzing fear that i may do something to make my lung collapse and end up in the hospital again with a giant hose inserted between my ribs.
and yet, bravely, i am doing it.
